Self-sabotage

 

Have you ever thought about doing something and then talked yourself out of it? Or even started doing something and then found yourself putting hurdles in your own path? This is self sabotage. Often we think we want to do something, or should do something, but there is an unconscious part of us that opposes it and finds ways to stop us. Unless you are 100% for something then it will be like dragging a child having a tantrum with you. (Incidentally, have you ever seen someone saying yes whilst shaking their head, or visa versa? That is a sign that part of them is in disagreement).

Sometimes we talk ourselves out of doing what we want because of a fear that has been given to us as we grew up, eg. better to be safe than sorry, or people don’t like others who think they are better than them etc. (I’m sure you were told many other one’s too – like it’s selfish to want more, only the lucky get their dreams and you aren’t lucky etc) These are usually given to you by people who have given up on going for what they want, and wish to protect you from having the same disappointment. That doesn’t mean they are right, or that you will be disappointed. Why not seek out someone who has proved that belief wrong, I assure you there are plenty. The part of you that sabotages your efforts believes those fears and is trying to protect you, so giving evidence that the fear is irrational, and reassuring that part of you, will get that part back on side; whereas feeding it more messages of fear will just make it stronger, and therefore harder for you to get what you want. Beware of the messages you give yourself. Sometimes we don’t even realize what we say to ourselves – write down what you want to do and your fears about going for it. Seeing them in print can loosen their grip too.

Instead of an irrational fear we may have a limiting belief, we believe we have to be perfect/ the best/ if fail once then not meant to be etc. One way to overcome this is to find out what beliefs helped successful people become successful, it includes things like – failure helps us learn how to be better next time, or to aim to do your best rather than the absolute best. These beliefs again helped protect us at one time, maybe from criticism at school. Now we are older they are no longer needed so we can let go of them. Sometimes challenging them is enough, or acting as if they were no longer true. NLP has some powerful techniques to change deeper engrained limiting beliefs, contact me for more information.

But what if you are unaware of why you are sabotaging yourself? One way to identify this is to simply ask yourself ‘what percentage of me really wants this?’ and see what number pops up. If it isn’t 100% then we can do what is called ‘parts negotiation’ to get you 100% congruent in what you do.

Firstly, hold out both hands palm facing upwards, and imagine the part of you in disagreement on one hand, and the other part on the other hand. See if you can get a sense of each part – do they have a weight or texture? Maybe they look like something.

Next we are going to talk to the part in disagreement – ask it what it wants for you by not doing X (whatever you want)? And then ask it again – what is important to you about getting (the answer to previous question)? Continue to ask that question until you think you have got to the reason behind it’s resistance, eg. What do you want for me by not getting fit? Have more time to do other things

What is important to you about having more time to do other things? Achieve more

What is important to you about achieving more? Be more successful

What is important to you about being more successful? Be liked more

The crux of the issue is about being liked more.

Now ask the other part exactly the same questions but about wanting to go for it.

What do you want for me by getting fit? To be healthier

What is important to you about being healthier? To live longer

What is important to you about living longer? To achieve more

What is important to you about achieving more? Be more successful

What is important to you about being more successful? To be liked more

 So both parts do actually want the same thing! (and it really does do this – try it).

Now ask each part if it is willing to work with the other part to help you to achieve more and be liked. If there is any resistance check out the questions again, otherwise bring both hands together so the parts merge, and then push the part into your chest. And be still while it all settles again.

This is actually a very powerful technique and things will shift inside you if it is done right.

 95% of what we worry about never happens, yet those fears stop us from doing what we want – in essence this means we have a 95% chance of getting what we want but don’t bother going for it – is 95% success rate not high enough???

Take time to really look at what is stopping you from getting the life you truly wish for.

Recommended reading

Principles of Success by Jack Canfield

Wishcraft by Barbara Sher (online for free www.wishcraft.com)

Any biography of someone who got what they wanted 

 

©2007 Kathryn Hodgson

This article can be reprinted freely as long as the entire article and the above resource box are included, and a copy is forwarded to me.