How
to stop worrying in 4 steps
How much easier would life be if we didn't worry?
If we felt that we could handle whatever happens, and are OK with
what has happened?
Worry causes stress, and for a lot of people it can really hinder
their life. I often hear people say 'I wish I didn't worry so much'
or 'how can I stop worrying about X?' Well here is a 4-step program
to get you out of that pattern, because it is a pattern and can be
changed. We are not wired to worry, and it keeps peace away. All
worry is is a habit we have, and not a particularly effective one
either!
For peace of mind, resign
as general manager of the universe.
I love that quote, it some how makes fun of the idea that we
actually think it's our job to control life, and that if we just do
the right thing all will be well. And then we worry that we will do
the right thing, or that we did do the right thing. In the past I
used to spend hours worrying and making sure I had all angles
covered and the right things to say. Quite often the object of the
worry was trivial, but I would go over it again and again and again
- somehow thinking my thoughts had the power to stave off what I
worried about, or that at least I'd be prepared and have the right
words to hand. And yet I can't think of anything that I worried
about that actually happened like I'd told myself, and words I'd
rehearsed disappeared at the time too! So why did I waste so much
time and energy, making myself feel ill over something that probably
wouldn't happen? It's partly habit, partly incorrect thinking and
partly because we tell ourselves it's normal. I even overheard
someone recently say 'everybody worries, it's part of being human'!
Err, no. It's actually not how we are supposed to be, and being a
proud reformed worrier I can assure you life is better (and easier)
without worry.
So step one
is to decide that that isn't how you want to live. When you worry
you are using up not only time but also your energy. I was reading
something that says worry clogs up the speech part of your brain, so
it can't function as well, or think clearly. This means that worry
leaves you less able to deal with what you are worrying about. Then
there is the physical toll in that worry triggers adrenalin to be
pumped into your body as it thinks you are under threat - this is
where the headaches, lack of sleep, shakes, increased heart rate etc
come from. And finally it robs you of enjoying right now.
Once you make that decision you will start becoming more aware of
when you worry, and that's good. The process is firstly becoming
aware afterwards (damn did I
really spend half hour thinking about that?), then
during (there's me off again),
and finally when you first start worrying (oh
no, not going there again). I want to re-emphasize this
is part of the process of change, a lot of people give up when they
become aware and can't stop immediately. And please - don't beat
yourself up about it - because then you'll only start worrying about
worrying!! The idea is to stop. Worry is a habit like all others, if
your mind is set on the worry cycle you will worry about whatever
you can lay your hands on - literally! It's not that what you worry
about is worth worrying about, but more that you have to worry about
something so what will it be?
Step two
is dealing with the underlying cause. There is some underlying
belief, or something from the past that is triggering you to worry.
Remember what I've said before about how it's not external events
that cause us problems - it's how we think about them. This is why
in the same circumstances one person will worry and another will be
fine. If I had a penny for every time someone said to me 'aren't you
worried? I would be...' then I sure would be loaded!! This part is
important, it's like releasing the brakes so you can roll out of the
worry pit rather than trying to drag yourself out.
When you are worrying ask yourself 'what
is my real fear here?', and then whatever the answer
is ask 'and why do I
fear that?' Until you get to a belief like
'people will realise I'm not good enough', or 'people will reject
me', or 'I will suffer if I get it wrong'. These are the sort of
beliefs that cause you to worry, and can be changed. At a basic
level worry is really you telling yourself you don't trust yourself
to handle whatever happens, and the suffering we envisage is more
about what we tell ourselves than what actually happens. I recently
realised that something I dreaded doing was not because of the
consequence of it going wrong, but because if it went wrong I'd
critisize myself over it. Reality is kinder than what we tell
ourselves about it.
If
you are someone who worries a lot it might be helpful to read my
article on highly sensitive people (go to my website) as
understanding the way you are can reduce worrying too.
Step three
is to reduce overall stress. Negative thinking/ worry signals to
your body that it is under threat and so adrenalin starts pumping.
As your survival instinct is then for fight or flight, biologically
that's all your mind is interested in and you trying to make a
decision that isn't immediately life or death will be very
difficult. If ever I am being indecisive I know that is a sign I am
feeling stressed overall. If I meditate then I relax and decide
easily, nothing has changed except me being relaxed. The more
relaxed you are in general, the less you will worry.
And step four
is to change the habit. Even when you have got rid of the underlying
cause you may still have to break the habit. This is a bit like if
you have ever injured a leg and had to walk with a limp, or
crutches. When you are healed it can sometimes feel as if you've
forgotten how to walk 'normally', you've got so used to walking with
a limp. Your mind is used to thinking in a certain pattern so it
will continue that way until you give it a new way.
The easiest way to do this is to distract yourself when you catch
yourself worrying, just stop the cycle. There is an article on my
website on how to stop worrying and it has a few pages of ways you
can do this. Just because your mind says you need to worry doesn't
mean you do, or that what you are telling yourself is true. Most
worry is fantasy about what you think may happen, and you really
have no idea what will happen until it does.
I am an old man and have
known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~Mark
Twain
I admit that it has taken me a while to get out of the habit of
worrying, and I do still occasionally catch myself obsessing (a sign
I need to relax), but overall I am so much more happier and
healthier now as I am more relaxed and trust myself that I can
actually deal with whatever happens when it happens - and boy is
that a great feeling! It is literally like a weight is lifted from
you. For those of you who do want to worry less - I hope you get to
experience that too.
I was about to say have a play with this, but if you are a worrier
then you'd probably worry that you weren't doing it right! There is
no right or wrong - just peace of mind. Aim to have more of that and
you'll be fine.
Let me know if I can clarify or help you with this in any way.
©2008
Kathryn Hodgson
