How to change your feelings
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked
through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of
bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient
proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the
last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given
set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. Victor Frankl
We all prefer to feel happy and not feel bad so this month I wanted
to give you some practical tips on how to change how you feel. We
all know that we can respond the same event in different ways
depending upon how you are feeling, eg. if you had some good news a
traffic jam is nothing, bad news and it’s hell! But did you know
that how you feel is your choice? And if so – then why not choose to
feel good?
Feelings are always the result of how you are thinking, if you
weren’t thinking anything you’d be at peace. That’s why we get
affected by TV and movies, or memories, or when we think about
something we fear we literally can start shaking.
Now I know this can be hard to understand
at first - if someone hurts us it's them that caused us pain, right?
Well no - it's us reminding ourselves of what they did that causes
the pain, or an old emotional wound they have touched. This is not
to suggest we shouldn't deal with the cause of our pain, but more to
help us understand we can change it.
Two difficulties we have with this is that we often don’t know what
we are thinking, and secondly once we get stuck in a negative cycle
with thoughts fuelling feelings, and feelings that fuel thoughts etc
it’s hard to get out. Today I’m going to focus on changing how you
feel rather than how you think. When I do groups on emotions I
always say change how you feel and then deal with the source of the
problem. This is not about ignoring things, but dealing with them in
a better way.
I
remember one day when I was still employed getting really stressed
about something and my thoughts were going mad, and it was going to
be such a bad day etc…Then a colleague said something that made me
laugh and when I returned to the source of my stress it no longer
seemed stressful! Now I’m not suggesting all problems are that easy
to resolve but it is easier to see solutions from a calm place
rather than a stressed place. Worry uses up energy and thought space
that could be used to change things, it’s like trying to drive with
a dirty windscreen.
So how do you change how you feel? Here are some suggestions for you
to play with:
-
As I mentioned earlier – distraction can be a great one. When
you think of something else you pull yourself out of the
negative spin and you can then think clearer. How you distract
yourself is up to you – what works best in absorbing you? A good
book, visualisation, music, exercise, talking to someone? On the
TV show Medicine men gone wild they travelled to Asian countries
to see how some people dealt with pain without anaesthetic or
painkillers, and the main thing was to distract your mind.
Focusing on the pain and getting tense only made it worse,
and it was astounding just how much pain they could bear with
this one technique.
-
Focused daydreaming is my term for visualisation (sounds more
fun doesn’t it?). Your mind doesn’t know the difference between
what is happening and what you are imagining – it’s all
thoughts. So by making yourself think about something that you
feel good about – a holiday, a person who makes your heart melt
etc, you will feel better. Now the trick to making this strong
is in how you think. If you imagine being actually there so you
can look around, see what you would see, hear what you would
hear and then notice where the feeling is and make it bigger
then the feeling will intensify.
-
Breathe. When you feel tense or unhappy your breathing tends to
become shallow, by taking 10 deep slow breathes in and out you
will relax and change how you feel. This is one of my favourite
and works a treat – especially if you practise it.
-
Meditation. If you meditate regularly you will find it easier to
quieten your thoughts and find a sense of peace, often in a few
minutes. Alternatively you could listen to a short guided
meditation.
-
Focus on the feeling. Feelings have certain characteristics that
become a code to let you know how you are feeling, eg a heavy
cold feeling in your stomach may signal fear whereas a warm soft
feeling in your chest may signal happiness. If you change those
characteristics you can change the feeling, eg. imagine the cold
hard feeling getting warmer and melting., or even getting eaten
up by the warm fluffy feeling. Everyone is different so you need
to play around with this and see what works best for you, the
bonus being that as you focus on the characteristics it
interrupts your thoughts and you will relax anyway!
-
Write. This not only slows down your thoughts it can help
release your feelings, and help you spot irrational thoughts.
When you are stuck in a negative cycle it is almost as if your
mind does not want you to forget what you are thinking, so you
go over it again and again. Writing it down seems to help your
mind relax, and of course you can see the problem clearer.
E-motions are just energy in motion (ie energy moving through
your body) so this can help release that energy, as does
anything energetic like walking or screaming. This is why people
often calm down straight after they have exploded, the energy is
gone.
-
Look at the bigger picture. Often I have been in situations
which I was sure were bad only to find that they were actually
perfect when I looked back, and taught me something vital. This
is not always easy, but I remember a story where whatever
happened the lady kept saying ‘maybe good, maybe bad we just
have to wait and see’. I also tell myself I don’t want to waste
time feeling bad now only to find it’s all good later! A lot of
negative feelings are either us rehashing the past or worrying
about the future. Which reminds me…
-
Focus on now. I find that if I look around doing a commentary on
what I see it calms my mind, and therefore my body. And it stops
me creating a story about what might happen.
It's also amazing at how much detail in things we usually don't
see, you can look at things as if you were going to draw them. I
especially like doing this when looking at ornaments or statues.
-
Think – wouldn’t it be nice if….by focusing on what you would
like instead of what you wouldn’t your thinking changes your
feelings, eg. wouldn’t it be nice if…my boss gave me the rest of
the day off/ said thank-you etc. It may not happen but as you
will be feeling better you won’t mind so much!
-
Have a mantra or saying that helps you look at things
differently, and repeat it over and over. It could just be as
simple as ‘I am fine’ or a favourite of mine used to be ‘the
world is as it is but who am I in it’. Alternatively you could
have something to read that re-inspires or soothes you.
-
There are many other ways you can learn to change how you feel –
acupressure points, EFT, aromatherapy etc, and it is worth
investigating them further.
As ever there is no ‘one size fits all’ so I suggest you experiment
and find what works for you. There have been times when I have had
to work my way down the list to completely change how I feel but I’m
always glad when I have. It can be so easy to stay stuck in a
negative spin but in my experience it not only wastes time I usually
end up with a headache. It’s OK to wallow a bit and feel sorry for
yourself, but then you have a choice – go deeper or crawl out.
Telling myself the phrase – do you want to be right or happy
often helps me here. I can stay feeling negative ‘cos’ I’m right
about how crappy things are, or I can be happy (and sometimes happy
and right!!). And brain scans have shown that the more you practise
all this, and feel positive, the easier it becomes to feel positive.
A bit like strengthening a muscle.
Everyone deserves to feel good, and I hope you have fun practising.
(I just need to add that sometimes people have deep ingrained
beliefs that keep dragging them back down no matter how hard they
try to change how they feel – if this is so you may need
professional help so you can be free from them)
©2008
Kathryn Hodgson
