Kathryn Hodgson

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. (Dr. Seuss)

There's something about family. No matter how serene and calm you are the rest of the year, spend Christmas with family and we revert back to childhood patterns before we can say 'ho ho ho'! I could explain the neurological reasons for that (brain recreates in us the same state we were in last time with those people) but it's more important to learn how to break the cycle.

Remember from the guide you got on dealing with people you find difficult (it might help to re-read it) - it's you reacting to others that causes the problem, not what they do. You can learn to be at peace no matter what goes on around, and of course that helps others stay calmer too.

Over all it helps to think of you staying calm as a gift to them, what can you do to help them have a happier Christmas and make them feel appreciated?

Here are some tips to help you:

1. Beware of getting yourself stressed beforehand. I talk about stress being on a scale of 0-10, where maybe 6 is where you start losing the plot and revert to behaviour you wish you wouldn't. If you arrive already worked up with worry and at a 4 it won't take much to tip you over the edge. If you arrive at 0, and do relaxation techniques if you start getting wound up, you will be able to manage it better. Worrying also sets you up to be vigilant for annoying behaviour and you react to what you anticipate is going to happen rather than what actually does. Almost like - it's gonna happen so we might as well get on with it, and you start it off.

2. If you stress about things going smoothly, or the food being perfect, or the presents being expensive, remind yourself about what's important. People would rather you were happy and relaxed, and in fact are less likely to notice what you stress about if you are. I cooked my first Christmas dinner a few years ago and I'm no chef at the best of times so it was a bit like you see on a comedy show! Nobody minded, in fact we all laughed about it, if I'd got stressed and upset it would've ruined the day. It's almost like we think of Christmas as the time to prove something to others, bad idea and doomed from the start. Be you (or find out why you don't feel good enough being you.)

3. Stop expecting people to change. It's amazing how we pin our happiness on other people changing. No matter how justified you feel about the other person being wrong, they are entitled to be how they want to be, and you are entitled to be how you choose to be. Either get stressed and blame them, or learn to let it go. Now I'm not saying that is easy - but would you rather be at peace or get stressed? If you expect people to be how they are you will at least be pleasantly surprised if they are different, or go home smug that they weren't!

4. Learn how to accept other people's opposing opinions without getting upset. It is human nature to defend your own beliefs, so it will always end in an argument if you challenge someone. That doesn't mean to say you should agree, just calmly say 'thank-you for sharing' or engage them in a conversation about why they think that. Ghandi's method of overcoming opponents involved getting in a conversation with them and earning their trust so they would listen to him. The minute you attack someone they will just shut down. No matter how offensive you find their view they either have good reasons for holding it, or are just winding you up.

5. Plan ahead. If you know a situation usually stresses you out think of a way to minimise the effect prior to the event. Learning, and using, relaxation techniques (especially deep breathing) will help you stay calm no matter what goes on around. (I have added a new artcile on my website on instant relaxation tips - see the free stuff section) If it gets really bad at family gatherings why not tell them you are only able to be there for a few hours (this year we decided to go to church/ visit friends/ go for a walk etc) - tell them in advance. Then give them the gift of your unconditional compassion and understanding, it's only once a year.

6. Take on the role of the observer. Taking a step back from getting emotionally tangled with people can help you stay calm short term. You could imagine you are researching for a soap opera, or writing a psychological evaluation or review afterwards. This helps you see people objectively, and thus say to yourself 'isn't it interesting that they do X' rather than 'they always do X, they are so selfish blah blah blah'. Another way is to get make a bingo card of stock phrase and behaviour beforehand, then play a secret game with an allie to see who spots the most. Again it detaches you emotionally, so you don't get caught up and escalate the situation. This can also be a great opportunity for you to learn about yourself and what is going on for you - what are your triggers and why do they affect you so? Why do you need to be right?

7. Debrief after, or have something fun lined up. It's important to let go of any tension rather than carry it around. Reward yourself.

I hope this has helped, or that you don't need it and that your holiday is magical. As ever - be kind to yourself whatever happens, it's all just information to learn from.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year! (and if I can help make next year even better for you, please let me know)