Kathryn Hodgson

Change - the easy way

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing but expecting a different result."

These are two of the phrases used to encourage people to change, but they don't explain why it's so difficult to change. Time and time again you may have decided to change something about you or your life and then ended up finding yourself in that old pattern again. Sadly at that stage people often criticize themselves or believe they can't change, but what if you just weren't taught how to change? Willpower can work in the same way as if you stretch an elastic band far enough it will break, or snap back, but there is an easier way.

Firstly I want you to understand why it can be so difficult (and of course it can also be easy under the right circumstances). I'm sure you have heard of the comfort zone and how we fear stepping out of it, but did you know that the strongest drive in human beings is familiarity? This is way stronger than even survival - which is why people may stay in life threatening situations rather than change. In ancient times our survival depending upon noticing what was different - if things were the same we felt safe. eg. when you return to your cave and see that it looks different then it could mean a tiger is lurking inside. We are programmed to be on guard when things are different. Now the idea is that we get a message to tread carefully, and then relax once we see everything is OK. Most people take the message as meaning it's definitely unsafe and then fuel that with thoughts and end up returning to comfort. Instead of learning to cope with anxiety we avoid it, and thus give up too soon. (I just want to mention that anxiety is different to intuition or a gut feeling that something is wrong.)

I'm explaining this so that you are aware of what goes on when you change - feeling uncomfortable is a natural stage, and learning to deal with that feeling as separate to the change you are making will help you change, eg. if you want to be more confident talking to strangers then all the communications skills and pep talks will not help when you start feeling anxious, in fact when you are anxious you tend to forget what you have learnt anyway! The same goes for any change, even giving up smoking or changing your thinking.

The second thing I wanted to share was the learning cycle - everything we learn, or unlearn, goes through the same process. There is:

• the before stage (not thinking of changing),

• then we become aware of when we do the old behaviour,

• then concentrating on doing the new behaviour,

• then the change becomes habit.

The middle two stages are the most important, starting with becoming more aware of what we want to change. Noticing this before we start changing is vital, yet mostly we get annoyed that we can't change immediately. I often advise people to spend the first week just noticing this before they start changing. The next stage is concentrating on the change, and again we can get annoyed that we have to think about it and mess up sometimes. These are a natural part of the change process and it takes an average of 3 weeks before it becomes changed (and 3 months to change at an identity level), so it helps to relax and know that it is how it is meant to be until the change is permanent. A common problem is people giving up too soon.

Now for some practical tips on dealing with anxiety:

• Breathe. Anxiety is just adrenalin pumping and the natural antidote is deep breathing.

• Watch the messages that you tell yourself - are you fuelling the anxiety or calming yourself? Making yourself feel more anxious by attaching a story to what is happening and thinking of the worst case scenario is deliberately sabotaging yourself and making yourself feel bad.

• Write. By getting your thoughts on paper you slow them down so you can control them, or challenge them. And it also calms you down.

• Imagine someone there who makes you feel safe, or remember a time you felt safe. I even used to imagine I was a character in a film - it distances you from how you feel.

• Repeat something positive, a phrase that relaxes you, or even a song.

• Have some aromatherapy balm to smell.

• Take time out - stretch or walk as it releases the anxious energy.

• Talk to someone.

• Say to yourself - isn't it interesting that I feel like this? (It moves you away from the feeling)

• Or think of how you ideally would like things to be - this is getting your mind familiar with what you want so it doesn't feel anxious.

• Distract yourself - replace the feeling with another.

• Remember the anxiety is there ONLY to tell you there is something different, after that it has no use and only stays if your thoughts keep it alive.

• Focus on what you are doing in that moment, not what you think will happen.

• Reframe the anxiety - excitement has the same physical characteristics, so start telling yourself you are excited about the new you. Alternatively tell yourself how great it will be when you are changed.

• It could also be that there is a part of you that doesn't want to change (there is a pay off for everything we do), you need to be 100% for it in order to change easily. Again there are things you can do to check this out.

•  It may be that there is a bigger issue or belief that is preventing you from changing, and I suggest you get further help to release that.

Now if you really want to change easily you will practise all these before you start changing so you are ready. And of course they are also great skills to have any time you feel nervous, anxious or stressed. I suggest you practise them all and see which work best for you, then you will be ready for anything!

You are meant to live the life of your dreams, stop settling for less. There's a story of how when we get to heaven we are told we can go everywhere except one room. This room holds all that we were meant to have in life but never went for. (and going for it in the wrong way doesn't count, that's like driving the wrong way to a restaurant then giving up and saying the restaurant is impossible to get to!)

But most of all - show kindness to yourself. Everything is feedback as to how to improve, not a reason to beat yourself up.