Kathryn Hodgson

"The world is how it is but who are you in it."

This is one of my favourite quotes. Things happen around us that we have no control over, but we do have control over how we react to them. Or at least we are capable of having control over how we react to them but most of us don't know how. Somehow we would rather think that outside events are to blame for how our life is rather than look inside, but if you truly want to live an easy life then this is key to understand. And it's so much easy to change your thinking than change the world (although you will be more successful at influencing the world if you focus on yourself first, but that's another topic)

Last month we talked about looking at life from a gratitude view point, and if you did the exercises you will have seen how much easier life became. This is because a lot of what complicates life is how we think about it, not what actually happens.

An example of this is Cormac McCarthy, I just saw an interview with him where he talked about being so poor him and his family were evicted from a $40pm hotel, but he also said he didn't worry as something always came up and as long as they had food and shoes they were alright. Now compare that to someone who is earning a regular salary but worries about money. Had Cormac fretted and worried then he maybe wouldn't have written such amazing books, but more importantly he wouldn't've been as happy. It's beliefs that keep us locked in an unhappy place, not events. (btw you can watch the interview at oprah.com, where he also talks about the other side to this subject - how by quieting the mind creative magic flows through you).

Byron Katie says that reality is kinder than our story about reality. Reality is that X happened, our story is that X happened and it's not fair and we failed again, if only we were better, they shouldn't do that blah blah blah. It's the story that causes pain and complicates life. X happened so deal with it without the story (and this doesn't mean not feeling sad or upset, again feeling that way without a story heals quicker). If we can accept that what is is without resisting it life would be so much easier. Rehashing the past won't change it, and worrying about the future won't change it - just exhaust and upset us. It doesn't mean we won't change things, most effective change comes from a peaceful place. Think of Ghandi, Mandela or the monks in Burma.

One of the difficulties with all this is that  we tend to cling to what we know, and the thoughts swimming round our head are familiar to us, even when the cause us pain. They are a comfort blanket. Plus you were probably never told you had control of your own thoughts, or maybe tried to control them and gave up. We even believe that we are our thoughts when there is so much more to us - who is it thinking the thoughts? Or who are you when you sleep and are not thinking? That's the essence of you, your soul. This is about bringing it all into balance. Thinking is a marvellous tool, but not who we are.

Re-addressing the balance

Our mind is like a muscle, so the more we use it in a particular way the stronger it gets. There has been scientific research on this - people who are pessimistic have  a larger part of the brain that handles negative emotions, but after retraining the brain (meditating was the main tool) that part shrinks and the part responsible for positive emotions grows.

It may help to think of thoughts as wild animals, it takes time to tame them but is worth it. Our natural state is peace and we feel that when our mind is still. Sadly most people look outside of them selves to find peace, whether it's by artificially shutting down thoughts (alcohol, drugs etc) or blaming other people for causing stress. If you can quieten your mind you can have peace anywhere, anytime. An example of this peace state is when you are in nature and maybe see a beautiful sunset or view - your mind almost stills in it's presence as you forget everything else and just look. This is how you can feel in everyday life.

Now I'm not going to pretend this can happen overnight, although for some people it has. Most of us have to decide we are going to aim for that state and learn how. The good news is life gets easier and more peaceful the more you learn.

It would take a book to teach you how so I am going to give you some pointers and leave it to you to start that journey:

• Some of our painful thoughts come from past hurts so I would strongly suggest learning how to heal them. There are hundreds of ways and I can send you more details if you want, or you may need professional help.

• Change your thoughts. If you are complaining about something start focusing on what you want instead, or think 'wouldn't it be nice if..', or look for what you are grateful about. Even totally distract yourself so your thoughts calm, then look at the situation again.

• Meditation is a marvellous gift you can give yourself as it's benefits are amazing - actual scientific and medical studies prove it's benefits to health and all other areas of functioning, including interacting with others and managing your own emotions. And it feels great. People are often put off because first attempts can seem like your mind is going wilder, or you think it takes time. 2 minutes a day can benefit you. Focus on one thing - breathing, sounds outside or a phrase you repeat. If your mind wanders just bring it back. Guided meditations can help to begin with as you have something to focus on.

• Become more aware of what you are telling yourself. A diary is a great start, or just listen to the excuses you tell yourself for not doing something you want to. Writing it down helps as it freezes the thoughts so you can get a good look at them. Often they whiz through our minds so fast we don't realise what horrible things we are saying to ourselves. At this stage be grateful you are aware, a lot of people get frustrated when they notice just how wild their thoughts are or can't stop them straight away. This is part of the learning, just as the first time you go to the gym you might be more aware of how unfit you are.

• Another way is to become more aware of the sensations in your body. Focus on your left foot and feel how it feels. Then your right foot etc. Imagine flooding your body with warmth. The more you do this the easier it gets.

• Do any relaxation techniques. Your mind runs wilder when you are stressed, and often is irrational. Any way to relax will calm your thoughts.

• Focus on the moment. Forget what has happened in the past, or what may happen and focus on what you are doing right now. Maybe even pretend you are narrating yourself 'now I am....' etc.

These are just a few suggestions, there are many more and you need to find what works best for you. Pick one to do for the next week and see what happens. Learn more about it. I think of it as a bit like pushing a rock down a hill, once you get it moving it becomes easier.

To begin with your thoughts may resist, and distract you back to the story of how bad things are. That's OK, as soon as you notice bring them back. They have had full control for so long that it's like retraining them. Be kind to yourself, and as I mentioned previously - surround yourself with examples of people who have mastered this - books etc. It will encourage you and keep you open to the possibilities.