Being You

 

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.  ~Judy Garland

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.  ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

 

Rabbi Zusya said that on the Day of Judgment, God would ask him, not why he had not been Moses, but why he had not been Zusya.  ~Walter Kaufmann

 

We often hear about being true to yourself and living an authentic life, but what does that mean? And how do you know what is true for you?

Most of us are spending our time being who we think we should be, or have been told we should be. We are born without thoughts or beliefs, and as we grow we pick up ideas about how things, and ourselves, should be and then judge life by what those ideas are. If you grew up in a different culture you would have different ideas, so those ideas have nothing to do with who you really are. In order to find that out you need to assess each belief and idea and decide if they feel right for you, rather than blindly accepting what you were told. Once beliefs get ingrained they are difficult to let go of though, if you grew up being told that you were useless at maths then you will still believe that even if you are a genius at it. At least until you decide to check it out for yourself. The reason they are difficult to let go if is because when they were given to us they were accompanied by emotions. If you believed you were good at maths then people would laugh at you, or what if you were wrong? Or even that you are calling others liars by being good, and it hurts to be told you are useless so we sure want to avoid that. Of course some people would go on a quest to prove their naysayers wrong but even then they’d still feel not good enough. All from sometimes just one persons opinion or insecurities.

So in order to discover the real you you need to let go of all your programming, all the shoulds you tell yourself about how you should be, and see what is really there. Now for some people that thought is scary, it was for me. I was convinced that the real me would be horrible – but that was just a thought given to me. What I actually found was that the real me was who I thought I should be anyway, and I could be that person much easier when I stopped feeling I should be that way. All that did was cause stress as I was scared I wasn’t who I thought I should be! Have I lost you yet?? Basically who you really are is infinitely greater than who you think you should be. And the fears we have about how other people would judge us if we changed – only exist in our heads. You see the real you isn’t selfish or disregarding others feelings, quite the opposite. When you stop worrying about how you should be you relax and can put all your focus on others.

Common mistakes people believe:

• We are what we have. Yes we know this, we all agree who a person is is more important than their possessions, but is that how we live? Or how we judge others? It’s easy to think those with a nice house, car etc are better than people without, and there is a cultural belief that more is better, that we are all striving for more. This is especially important right now as people are getting stressed about possibly losing their possessions, and in fact can feel suicidal at the thought of losing it all. And yet a lot of people who do say they actually feel happier because they no longer fear losing it all! This is not to say having things isn’t nice, just that if you base how you feel about yourself on what you have it is on very shaky ground and will never make you happy. And do you really think what someone has is more important than who they are? Because that suggests that if someone loses everything you would no longer think the same of them. Yet do you fret about getting X or losing X, and spend more time focused on that than on being at peace and happy?

• We are what we do. How many of us feel we aren’t doing enough? Or that what we do isn’t good enough? If you sat and did nothing how would you feel? Do you still feel a valuable human being if you did nothing? Again there is a cultural expectation that you want to get promoted or achieve great things or being busy is good. What about being happy and at peace? When was the last time someone asked you how much peace you feel, or how often you show kindness to others. Again it is OK to do a lot, as long as it is by choice rather than because you think it makes you a better person, or because you feel you have to to be accepted. I dreamed of not working full-time and having time to just be, and yet at first if I just sat and did nothing I’d be telling myself I should be doing something. It’s a hard habit to break but so much less stressful to let go of all that angst.

• You are what others think of you. Quite often as we grow up we define ourselves according to how others tell us, and if that has involved some negativity then we view ourselves negatively. And yet logic says that if someone criticizes you, or is negative towards you, it has absolutely nothing to do with you and all about them. Think about it – if someone felt happy and at peace they wouldn’t lash out at you. We’ve all had times when we’ve snapped at someone because we feel stressed and then regret it. Plus not everyone is going to like you anyway, whatever you do will attract some negative comments so basing how you feel about yourself on what others will think defies logic. Of course we want to be accepted but changing who you are just to be accepted by certain people, rather than finding people who accept you exactly as you are, damages you and is stressful. Plus the chances are the more relaxed and confident you are, the more people will like you anyway!

• You are how you look. OK so this is a topical subject, but would you still feel good about yourself no matter what you looked like? If you had an accident and were disfigured would you still feel as confident as you do now? Again this is about freedom, if you truly know you will be OK no matter how you look then preening yourself becomes fun rather than stressful. And please be careful that saying you don’t care how you look is not about wanting to look less shallow than others.

Now I know that we are bombarded with messages telling us we are actually all of the above, but overall our levels of peace and happiness are falling because those are not where they really are. It’s like we are looking in totally the wrong place, and keep frantically searching for what we cannot find there.

So what is left? The real you is about your essence, who you are as a person. I’ve been listening a lot to Wayne Dyer talking about the Tao Te Ching, and ancient Chinese book of wisdom, and in it he says that there are 4 virtues or attributes we should focus on:

• Reverence for all life, including yourself

• Honesty, with self and others

• Service to others

• Gentleness/ kindness

If you have those then everything else comes after and you will be truly happy, at peace, and achieve all you think you should want without effort. And best of all you will no longer fear not having enough, or doing enough, or being liked or looking right. All that stress will be gone, and you will give off sure an amazing energy that people and situations will react favourably to you as well. It just takes guts to face your false fears, but you will see they are false once you face them.

I haven’t space to start going into the how’s today, but I have touched on it in other articles and simple deciding you are going to change your priorities is a great place to start. (as well as reading Wayne Dyers new book, which blasts away all those excuses I just know that are running through your head right now!!)

The real you is beautiful and great, it cannot not be. It’s only thoughts that make you doubt it.

©2009 Kathryn Hodgson

This article can be reprinted freely as long as the entire article and the above resource box are included, and a copy is forwarded to me.