Kathryn Hodgson

A Cherokee chief is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil: he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego. The other is good: he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. This same flight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."

I’ve been having such a hectic time lately that I didn’t get chance to sit and think about what I would be writing for this, so I asked myself what has helped me most over the last month and it’s the ability to self-soothe. This is a vital skill we learn (or should learn) at a very early age - how to reassure and calm ourselves down if we get stressed, fearful, upset or angry.

There have been various things happening the last month that have really tested me on this, but had I not been able to quickly get myself out of negative, frustrated and stressful thinking it would have been horrendous, and of course would have rendered me in a worse state to deal with it all. As it was I quickly noticed when I was thinking negatively, hated it and got myself out.

Emotions fall into 3 (very) broad categories:

Fear/ Protection – these are for when you are in danger

Incentive/ motivation – to get you acting to get what you want

Self-soothing – restoring yourself to the peace and good feelings you have without either of the above.

Our natural state is one of peace, with occasional forays into the above and then back. Our instincts move us through these smoothly as and when they are needed, but unfortunately our thoughts can keep us stuck in one.

Self-soothing is a skill you can learn and get better at, the only reason you will stay with stressful and negative thinking is if the muscle is too weak to pull you out, and as I keep saying – practising some mental training means that when things are tough you can deal with it easier, eg not obsessing over something or worrying about the future. Some of you may not have even developed this skill, but you can learn now.

I’m reading a lot of books on brain plasticity at the moment, which basically means the brains ability to change shape. The parts you use grow, and other parts shrink if not used much. In one book they show some wonderful brain scans of people with problems such as anxiety or depression and compare them to a ‘normal’ brain. Your brain literally works in patterns so if your usual way of being is fearful then it becomes easier to follow the pattern of feeling fearful and harder to be calm, and visa versa. This is changeable though – just like you can go to a gym and change your muscles, you can change the pattern of your thinking, and therefore the shape of your brain so that it is easier to feel good. (The book is Change your brain, change your life by Dr Amen and he recommends the same things as I do for mental training, plus a few other suggestions about diet etc.)

Before we discuss how to self-soothe I just want to point out this is not about avoiding problems – but about enabling you to deal with them in the best way, ie when you are calm.

Here is what I found most useful:

1. Remind yourself that your thoughts are not necessarily true and usually only show the glass half empty option. Fast forwarding to the worst case scenario is not the truth and only makes us feel bad, and it is just as likely to go well. Calmly looking at your options is very different to fearful thinking.

2. Meditating. If you practise this even when you are at your most manic you will be able to calm your thinking and feel good. And I assure you things look totally different from a calm space. (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before that when you are stressed you are incapable of thinking clearly as stress is designed to get you into fight or flight mode, which is why it can get worse if you do neither)

3. Write yourself a letter. I’m always suggesting this to clients and this month actually did it myself. When I had self-soothed and was feeling good I wrote to my stressed self reassuring her and saying the sane replies to my fears. And boy was it powerful – I read it all the time when things were at their worse and it worked wonders.

4. Reassure yourself. Last month I talked about kindness, and often we can be so harsh with ourselves when we feel bad. Collect quotes or inspiring words that make you feel good. For me it was about everything happens to teach us something and that what ever happens I will be OK, and that stress shows up to show us what needs healing, and if I get it now it won’t come back! 

5. Focusing on the now. This is the ability to not get caught up in rehashing the past or fretting about the future. Again if you practise mindfulness and being able to stay in the moment then when things are difficult you will find it easier than had you not practised. Quite often in this very moment you are OK, it’s fears about what might happen that cause us pain. And again – until something actually happens it might not and making yourself ill now will not change things.

6. Monitor your emotions so that you can recognise when you start moving away from calm. It’s easier to get back there if you haven’t strayed too far. I learnt that taking 5 mins out even if I thought I was OK is easier than waiting until my mind was manic.

Beforehand

Learn what works for you. Just like with babies some things work better than others, know what calms you the best.

Becoming aware of your thoughts and challenge negative thinking. Byron Katie does some wonderful work around this www.theworks.com. You have control of your own mind.

Practise feeling good – daydreaming something that makes you feel good starts retraining your brain to feel good more easily, as does doing things that genuinely make you feel good (as opposed to artificially make you feel good). It’s flexing the feel good muscle.

EFT, distraction or other ways to change how you feel. Again it gets your brain out of the habit of ruminating in negative thinking, and builds the muscle that helps you change. The more you do this the easier it will be to pull yourself out of strong negative emotions.

Meditate, of course. (for those of you new to me – there have been brain scans that show that meditating changes your brain shape so that it is easier to feel good and harder to feel bad, as well as many other benefits).

Heal whatever stops you from feeling good about yourself no matter what goes on around. The more of your stuff you heal the less you have to deal with later. I know it’s easy to let things go on as they are until it all goes wrong, but not only will all of this help you feel joy easier and more of the time, if things do go wrong they are so much easier to deal with and you can still be happy amongst it. I’m still amazed that I only had a few minor meltdowns, mainly because I could self-sooth before it got bad.

A lot of problems are down to us not being able to self-soothe, I work with drug addictions and part of that is needing something external to soothe you and change how you feel. You have that ability within you, in fact drugs are artificial versions of chemicals we create ourselves anyway, we’ve just forgotten how. (read some of Dr Candace Pert’s work to learn more about that).

It is great to have other people to help us calm down, but even better to know we can do it ourselves. Just imagine no more staying with negative feelings and stress. They don’t change things anyway – just usually make them worse!

I see many people who are stuck and unable to self-soothe, and often they will do what is needed to get through and then stop practising, until they get stuck again. Of course that is your choice to do, but how about giving it a go putting mind exercise into your routine and seeing what happens. 10 minutes a day is all it takes....

I hope you can self-soothe, and have fun practising. We all deserve to feel good….