Kathryn Hodgson

The Power of kindness

‘In the end kindness only matters’ Jewel (Hands)

‘Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary’

I love boiling things down to their simplest form, especially as it is then easier to remember them and make changes, and I think the secret to a happy life can be boiled down to kindness. Am I being kind to myself, others and the planet? In the wonderful book Your Soul’s Compass (Joan Borysenko) they asked lots of different religious and spiritual leaders what the essence of their beliefs is, and they said kindness. I think people get too caught up in doing the right thing, following the right rules etc, and forget the kindness part. Plus people tend to think kindness is weak, when in fact it is the opposite – it isn’t kind to let people harm us or others, but neither is it OK to stop them with harshness.

So lets look at what it actually means:

Kindness to ourselves

Negative thinking, self-criticism, worry, anger, holding onto past wounds, behaving in unhealthy ways – none of this is kind. In fact most of our problems are caused by being unkind to ourselves and how we perceive things rather than how they actually are, and as we get to choose our own thinking therefore we choose to be unkind to ourselves. Seems silly doesn’t it? Of course most people do not know how to change their thinking, and in fact there seems to be a collective con going on that we should blame others rather than do what it takes to change our thinking. That is your choice. But if you are being unkind to yourself there is nothing outside of you that can change it, no amount of money, praise or changes in appearance will make you happy if your thinking isn’t. I know it isn’t easy to get a hold of your thoughts when they have been running amok for years, but a little consistent work now will bring you lots of peace later – I guarantee you that as I went from very manic, stressed thinking to increasing peace. In fact it occurred to me that a lot of our stress might simply be down to the fact we have had so many advances in every area of our lives except our mind muscle and we are straining to deal with it all. We are dealing with more and more without strengthening our ability to mentally cope with it all. The busier you are the calmer (and kinder) your mind needs to be.

Kindness to others.

Seems obvious but if you were to replay your day (complete with internal voices!!) is there any where you could’ve responded kinder? One of our biggest blocks to happiness is the need to be right, but does it really matter? And does it bring more peace to you and others? We are only ever unkind to people when we are unkind to ourselves first with negative thinking, no matter how justified it might seem. I was recently talking to someone whose ex is causing him a lot of problems with access to his child, and he is very angry about it. When I suggested he practise showing her kindness he said she didn’t deserve it the way she was acting, and would win if he gave in. The problem is she was winning by making him angry and stressed, and because he allowed her to decide how he felt. If you remember from my ‘how to get along with anyone guide’ people act out in order to control you and your response, and if you stay calm and kind they will have to find a new way to behave. This doesn’t mean he says OK to her denying access, you can still be firm and kind, and it usually works better. Letting people behave in a destructive way isn’t kind, but responding to it with unkindness and judgement means you are just behaving as they are, and no-one wins. Of course it is easy to be kind to nice people, but if you really want to grow and strengthen your ability to feel peace, be kind to those who aren’t. It gets you what you want quicker and it feels better too (and I have to say the look of surprise on their face is great!!).

Kindness to the planet

Well, I’m sure every one gets this one!! But do we really live it? Do you ask yourself if what you are buying is kind to the planet? Or if the company producing it did so in a kind way? It is so easy to see something you want and buy it without really thinking, but we can no longer assume things are made in a kind way (sadly even when they tell us they are – look at Primark, still using sweat shops, and in the UK, even though say they aren’t). It is easy to buy products that are kinder these days, and usually they are similar in price to less-kind. Then of course there is the whole idea that the energy you give out affects the world around you – kindness is an energy that helps nature grow stronger, whereas negativity weakens it (there have been so many studies that have proved this, and that one person’s kind energy can repair a lot of damage, feel free to contact me if you want to look into this further)

Of course this is not about being obsessive about being kind and tying yourself in knots to decide what is kind to you, others and the planet at the same time. But as an easy concept to help you find peace and happiness you can simply ask yourself ‘is this the kindest way to be?’ This one small change will be easier to remember too, and only positive things can come from it. And if you forget – respond to yourself with kindness!!

PS I just found this too!

Numerous scientific studies show that acts of kindness result in significant health benefits, both physical and mental. Here are some key points:

• Helping contributes to the maintenance of good health, and it can diminish the effect of diseases and disorders serious and minor, psychological and physical.

• A rush of euphoria, followed by a longer period of calm, after performing a kind act is often referred to as a "helper's high," involving physical sensations and the release of the body's natural painkillers, the endorphins. This initial rush is then followed by a longer-lasting period of improved emotional well-being.

• Stress-related health problems improve after performing kind acts. Helping reverses feelings of depression, supplies social contact, and decreases feelings of hostility and isolation that can cause stress, overeating, ulcers, etc. A drop in stress may, for some people, decrease the constriction within the lungs that leads to asthma attacks.

• Helping can enhance our feelings of joyfulness, emotional resilience, and vigor, and can reduce the unhealthy sense of isolation.

• A decrease in both the intensity and the awareness of physical pain can occur.

• The incidence of attitudes, such as chronic hostility, that negatively arouse and damage the body is reduced.

• The health benefits and sense of well-being return for hours or even days whenever the helping act is remembered.

• An increased sense of self-worth, greater happiness, and optimism, as well as a decrease in feelings of helplessness and depression, is achieved.

• Once we establish an "affiliate connection" with someone - a relationship of friendship, love, or some sort of positive bonding - we feel emotions that can strengthen the immune system.

• Adopting an altruistic lifestyle is a critical component of mental health.

• The practice of caring for strangers translates to immense immune and healing benefits.

• Regular club attendance, volunteering, entertaining, or faith group attendance is the happiness equivalent of getting a college degree or more than doubling your income.

Source: Luks, Allan. The Healing Power of Doing Good: The Health and Spiritual Benefits of Helping Others. New York: iUniverse.com, 2001. Our thanks to the Niagara Wellness Council, Niagara Fall, NY, for compiling this list from Luks' book. The Niagara Wellness Council may be reached by email at niagwellness@opticlick.com.