By not going down the road it remains the road ahead, which excites me. Biscuit (Ally McBeal)

Because one of my passions is helping people follow their dreams I’m fascinated as to why some people do and some people don’t. I remember when I first discovered NLP and it literally saved my life, removing the pain I’d been carrying around and helping me believe in myself. I then went about enthusiastically telling people about this wonder cure, and a few people did check it out but I was astonished that most would rather suffer and complain about life than seek possible help. Years later I came across the concept of learned helplessness, whereby studies have shown that 2/3 of people will give up after a few failed attempts to change, and not try again even if guaranteed success. (incidentally depression is linked to learned helplessness). There are many components to this, but a big part is disappointment. We hate being disappointed and would rather not do something than face disappointment. So what’s so scary about disappointment that it will keep people in pain?

I think in part it is that if you don’t try you can cling to hope – sounds backwards but in your mind you hope things will change but if you don’t try then you can’t lose that hope. (and this part I can relate to very much – especially being a daydreaming piscean and a highly sensitive soul, lol!)

Another part is that most people have lost the ability to feel good in themselves and rely on external factors to make then feel good. Disappointment is you hoping something external goes how you want it to so that you feel better, if you felt OK however things went then obviously you wouldn’t feel disappointed. Buddhists talk about non-attachment, how suffering is caused by attaching yourself to an outcome. It took me a long time to get my head around how I could go for a dream but not be attached to the outcome. What it actually means is you go for an outcome but assume that if it doesn’t go how you ‘planned’ that something better is in store, or that you have more to learn before you get what you want. I think some people get confused between the ideas of accepting what is and still wanting things to change (I know I did), it’s about being happy right now while doing things to bring about change, even if change doesn’t happen. Let me give you an example – say someone isn’t behaving how you think they should – accepting what is means not expecting them to change and learning how to be OK with them not changing, and from that place then talking to them about how they behave. When you don’t need them to change the conversation has a totally different energy to it, and in fact is more likely to bring about change. The same is true for any situation. If you have no money, then being happy with no money puts you in a better state to get money than if you are wishing things were different, and being disappointed that they aren’t (been on both sides of that too).

Disappointment prevents us from really living, think about how many things you think of doing and then start worrying about ‘what if’ X happens, it doesn’t work etc, and decide not to do it. Or do it half-heartedly just in case. When if we really went for it it probably would go marvellous, and even if it didn’t we would learn so much along the way for the next time. It’s that old story of getting to heaven and being shown all the things you could’ve got had you just gone for it.

I saw an interview with Jim Carey where he said he just has the attitude that everything that happens is the most wonderful thing that could happen, whatever it is. It might be some time before you see why but by assuming that you never get disappointed, and then see the real blessings in everything. If you look at is as bad then you put blinkers on to the good. And this is different to a Pollyanna approach as it involves looking at things as they are rather than ignoring the ‘bad’. There’s another story about an old lady who every time some one says “what good/ bad luck” to something that happens she replies, maybe, maybe not, only time will tell. Quite often people have something bad happen that they then look back on and are thankful for.

Now having said that it’s quite hard not to get hopeful and disappointed, so the goal is more about how to get out of it while you learn not to set yourself up.

Here are some tips:

1. When you feel disappointed distract yourself. By now you will have heard me say many times that having a list of things that easily change how you feel is a great tool. When you get rid of the feeling of disappointment things look different and you can either learn from it or choose a new way forward.  
2. List all the possible benefits to not getting what you want. Be creative and forget the ‘realistic’ nonsense, have fun with it, and assume something better is in store for you….
3. Are you being impatient? Sometimes people give up just as things start to turn around. Again, look at why you need it right now….what feeling will it bring that you can actually have now.
4. Disappointment can be a great way to learn what you need to heal in yourself. Why do you need people, or situations, to be as you say? And not feel secure in yourself whatever happens? What do you need to believe in order to be OK with how things are? (and note – there is a BIG difference between feeling OK and saying that what other people do is OK. You can stop people behaving badly without feeling bad yourself, in fact as I said – it’s much more effective that way).
5. Admit to yourself you are disappointed and don’t beat yourself up, or blame others and make them suffer because of it.
6. Don’t set goals that involve others behaving the way you say they should, just expect them to behave what’s best for them to behave.
7. Don’t fixate on one way of achieving what you want, quite often I’ve felt disappointed that things didn’t work out how I’d envisioned them, only for then to happen in an unexpected way. And always in a much better way too.

Beware of disappointment disguising itself too, sometimes you have to get really honest about what you are telling yourself to recognise it. One disguise is avoiding disappointment by being ‘realistic’, when in fact being truly realistic is to go for it 100%. People who have achieved the ‘unrealistic’ or so called impossible have all ignored the thought of disappointment and gone for it, and in part been driven by the fear of the ultimate disappointment – getting to the end of your life having not done what you want. In fact it has been proved that if you truly believe you can do something then you will, whatever it is. So don’t let the fear of disappointment stop you from achieving what you want, especially as disappointment is only a feeling you create in the first place!! So it kinda goes – you avoid doing what you want in case you punish yourself with disappointment if it doesn’t go exactly as you demand it goes. Does that sound sane to you? Of course it is a habit so we do it automatically, and then think we have no control (which brings to mind a cat chasing it’s tail….)

Then it all comes back to the learned helplessness factor – with emphasis on the learned bit. You can unlearn it. You have a choice.