Kathryn Hodgson

Dealing with uncertainty

Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” John Allen Paolos

 'I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues' Duke Ellington.

We’re currently living in more obvious uncertain times, although really things are always uncertain. We strive for certainty because, as I have said before, our strongest drive is familiarity and if we don’t know what is going to happen it means it could be danger. As I’ve explained in previous articles – we have a warning that it could be danger, not that it will be and we can then override that signal. It’s essential for survival that we are alerted to possible danger so that we become aware of changes taking place, but that is it. Again something I have repeated is that worrying about something that might not happen just ain’t clever – it puts you in a state of not dealing with the situation as best you could, and it feels so bad.

But having said all that – the reality is that many people are scared, and many are affected, so I thought I’d offer some suggestions.

If you are scared that your circumstances might change:

Focus on relaxing. As I said getting stressed doesn’t change the events but it limits your thinking capabilities and even raises the chances of making bad decisions. Ways to do this include calmly looking at the worst case scenario and what you could do if it happens. Then let it go. Security is not lack of uncertainty or risk, but rather the inner knowledge that if we come across changes in our circumstances we will be able to deal with it and do our best. And the truth is we will always cope with whatever comes up and do our best, the fear comes usually because we fear our best won’t get us the result we think we should have. So maybe another step can be to look at why you are clinging onto one outcome only. If your outcome is to have your family happy, fed, warm and housed then that is less scary than to be in tunnel vision about how that has to be achieved.

A common stressor is that we believe if we just make the right decision we will not suffer or be affected. This is not a helpful thought to have, I know because it lived in me for years (and still pops back to visit uninvited, lol). Even if there is a better choice you are unlikely to make it if you are feeling stressed, and this thought’s primary mission is to stress you. There are times this type of fear based thought can be helpful, the trouble is it’s like a little gremlin that only knows how to fear. Bizarre as it sounds the best way I find to get rid of this thought is to talk to it like it’s a scared child and reassure it (there is actually a scientific explanation for this – it gets you to access a different part of the brain that is not fear based).

Another little trick I have is I ask myself ‘if I knew that everything was going to turn around next week what would I do right now?’, and I guarantee it ain’t to sit and fret! This is also known as acting ‘as if’.

If things do change:

Firstly – get advise, and from many people. There are things out there that can transform your situation that you just don’t know about, so please don’t sit and suffer, nor think one person has the answer. If you are relaxed then I suggest trusting your gut instinct about advice (but beware of scared thinking disguised as intuition).

Secondly – any big changes in life go through a cycle, whether chosen or forced on you. The first stage is kind of like grieving and letting go of the idea you had in your head about how things should be. The sooner you get through this the sooner you can deal with things as they are and start to create something new. Many people go through some big change and eventually see it was for the best, even if they don’t feel it at the time. Maybe you weren’t really happy in your job but just didn’t believe you could get paid as well doing something you love – well maybe you can. I know a lot of people who were stressed before the financial crisis as they had stretched themselves with houses they couldn’t really afford because they thought they should. Now might be the time to think about whether it’s better to look good or feel good. When we’re stressed it’s easy to forget what is really important to us – would your kids rather you were happy and relaxed or stressed and in a bigger house?

I know none of this is nice, or easy. I marvel at how my attitudes to money and status have relaxed enormously since I started my business; a change I admit was forced on me by circumstances that I am now grateful for. I still love my nice things and my beautiful dream house but I no longer have to know for certain what the future holds, in fact I actually see it as more of an adventure not to know, and that is a huge change for me!

For whatever situation that you find yourself in I highly recommend asking yourself ‘what do I need to learn in order for this situation to be easier?’ It could be to relax more and finally get control of your thinking. It could be to research the alternatives, and start believing in yourself and your ability to cope with whatever comes up. It could even be to start being kinder to yourself. I’m a great believer in that life is guiding you to better than you actually ask for, and if you can trust that then all will be easier, and therefore you will be relaxed and see opportunities you otherwise might miss.

Finally you can also tap into your need for certainty by focusing on the things that haven’t changed, eg. how you feel about the people in your life, the weather, your routine, breathing etc., there will be more things that haven’t changed than have.

This is a very brief guide, I couldn’t possible cover every situation or useful tip so as I said earlier – if you are struggling with anything please get help. There is always an easier way.