Kathryn Hodgson

Are you listening?

In years to come people will not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel.

93% of communication is non-verbal.

In an interview with some relationship experts they said that the most powerful thing you can do to improve any relationship is listen with compassion. (for those of you not familiar compassion is a very strong, interested emotion, rather than a weak soppy one).

It sounds simple, but how often do you actually give someone your full attention when they talk? This means not doing anything else, nor thinking of anything else – just listening and being present with that person. It’s a state of complete focus on them, interested and really wanting to understand what they say. This takes practise, but also courage too – especially if it is someone we feel intimidated by because it’s trusting yourself to say the right thing in reply without composing it in your head first.

This reminds me of an exercise I did on my psychotherapy training called the empathy lab. We had to sit and listen to someone speak for 5 minutes, giving them total attention and just listen, not reply. It was so powerful someone even started crying, and it really made me realise just how little we actually sit and listen to one another. We’re making a drink, or checking messages, or thinking about something else (your reply, how you wish they’d hurry up etc). I recently stopped talking when a friend started looking through her bag for something, and she said ‘go ahead, I am listening’, but it just didn’t feel like it.

The other part of this is that 93% of communication is non-verbal, if you've ever done any communication training you'll remember the pie chart, 7% verbal, 35% tone of voice, 58% body language. 93% is actually about our emotions, or energy (e-motions are just energy in motion). This is why 2 people can say the same words but get a totally different reaction. We sense this unconsciously, I’m sure you’ve all felt unease around someone even though they are saying the right thing, but couldn’t explain why. It’s often because their words don’t match their emotions. 

When you listen you are still communicating with someone even without speaking, and that communication is how you are feeling. If you are distracted they will feel it. (Another part of the empathy lab is to deliberately ignore someone when they are talking to you – they just stop, or lose track of what they are saying. Can be fun to try…)

Giving someone your total (positive) attention will make them feel good, and valued. You are saying they are worth your attention, or conversely not worth your attention. When you relax and focus on someone you will be surprised at how well they respond, and how much smoother things will go. It’s also one of those ironic things too – the less you do and the more attention you give someone, the more you will achieve. We tend to think we have to do more than one thing at once, or don’t have time to give someone our full attention, but that leads to them feeling uncomfy or you misunderstanding, neither of which is helpful. 

This is also great practise for being present, and not focusing on the past or future, and it really is so much easier to communicate this way than to be trying to work out the best response. And then wondering why that person is not responding well to you – it’s cos your emotions are not in sync and they could tell you weren’t really listening. And I do need to add that I have yet to meet anyone who hasn’t responded well to this approach – including working with people labelled ‘difficult’ who were fine with me. All because they felt heard.

So this month I invite you to firstly notice if you are giving someone full attention, and if not to do so. Also notice how you feel when someone else is not listening to you. I suggest you practise it with people you find it easy to get along with first, and then if you do find yourself in a difficult situation you can remember to stop and listen.

(and please note – it isn’t always easy to stop thinking while listening to someone, so be gentle with yourself and see it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself) And play with it.