Kathryn Hodgson

A new way of thinking

The purpose of your life is to develop loving kindness and unconditional
friendship with yourself. (Pema Chodrun)

I’ve never really been into Louise Hay but as I was given a copy of her new DVD I decided to watch it. In it she asks someone what they could possibly have done wrong to not love themselves, and it got me thinking – do I actually love myself? Or rather – do I get the same feeling when I think of myself as I do when I think of some I adore? And it was a no. I like myself, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else but I didn’t actually get that warm fuzzy type feeling. So I meditated on it. Now those of you who have met me will know I’m not exactly a soppy type person and the last thing I was going to do was sit in front of a mirror saying I love you to my reflection, but I did manage to meditate on love for myself, and I started thinking – do I treat myself the same way I treat someone I adore? (I prefer the word adore to love as love is misused so often). It changed my thinking and I decided to start living as if I actually adored myself – doing what was best for me, talking to myself in a kind way and forgiving myself.

Now I know some of you think this sounds self-indulgent or narcissistic - I’m not talking about walking around thinking you are better than anyone else, or even spoiling yourself - adoring is wanting what’s best for someone long term and supporting them no matter what. And when we treat ourselves that way we heal old wounds, do what we love, stop destructive behaviours and then have more to give and help others. I began to see that actually loving yourself is the best thing you can do to benefit others. Think about it – when you feel happy or in love you are kinder to others and want them to be happy too, and you don’t even have to make yourself do it!

So - do you adore you?

When you adore someone, if they do something judged as ‘bad’ or look less than perfect you overlook that and still adore them, and sometimes even find it endearing that they get grumpy in a morning or have a pot belly! However when you don’t like someone and they do something ‘good’ or behave in a kind way we overlook that and remind ourselves of the negative stuff.

Which way do you treat you?

Do you ignore your good stuff and highlight the negative, beating yourself up for what you perceive as ‘bad’?

Maybe you don’t talk too negatively, but do you adore yourself, or ignore yourself?

Or do you see yourself as complete – positive and negative, but adorable just the same.

To ask Louise Hay's question in another way - what could you possibly have done to not adore yourself? No-one else would treat you that badly, or that insignificantly, so why do you? When you think about it there is no reason big enough to justify it and the only reason you do it is out of habit, but habits are hard to break.

One great way is as I suggested – imagining you are someone you adore. When you do this you actually use a different part of the brain to when you are in the midst of all your thinking – it’s like stepping outside of a forest so you literally can see the wood for the trees, lol. You are stepping outside of your thoughts so you can see them. Writing can be a great help here.

Here are some other tips to help you:

• Ask yourself – if I was someone I adored would I treat me this way?
• Think of how you show kindness and friendship to others, and be the same to yourself. If you’ve never sat down and thought about how you treat yourself this can be a revelation!
• Use a softer tone of voice with yourself, be more forgiving and understanding, more open.
• Imagine you are talking to someone you adore, someone who you want to feel good about themselves, and would reassure if they were down.
• Do more things, or think of more things, that make you feel good.
• Have a break, thinking negatively never solved anything – only makes it worse.
• Look at everything you do to decide if it is kind, eg. is eating unhealthy food kind? Occasionally as a treat maybe, but constant physical abuse to yourself is never kind.
• ‘Unconditional friendship’ means whether you do something ‘wrong’ or not, if you mess up instead of punishing yourself, learn and move on.
• Is it kind and friendly to quash your own dreams? Or deny your own wants and cause dramas around yourself?
• Heal those emotional wounds you are nursing rather than live with them. We are not meant to ‘battle on’ or accept them.
• Learn how to live your best life – there are plenty of books and courses that will teach you how to easily get the best out of yourself on every level. (and my coaching group of course!!)

Give it a go - spend a day, or a week, with the intention of being kind and unconditionally friendly (maybe adore is too much of a stretch to begin with!) to yourself as a trial, and see what happens. Even if you only remember to do it a few times a day you will feel a difference. I used to put post-it notes up with the word ‘check’ on them to remind myself to stop and check how I am treating myself, sometimes we need an external reminder until the new habit is formed.

As ever - have fun with it.

PS There was a time when I would have found it impossible to even consider thinking well of myself so if that is you then you may need to heal some wounds and change some beliefs first, but please trust me that you are adorable even if you don’t think it!