Kathryn Hodgson

The confidence habit

One of the first things I do on my confidence building workshops is to ask people to define confidence, as quite often they tell themselves they lack confidence when really they either lack skills or are just nervous. The problem with mislabelling something as lack of confidence is that we assume we can do little about it and then give up. So first you need to be clear about what the problem is, eg. feeling intimidated by a certain person can be a lack of skill at dealing with that person in that circumstance, and feeling nervous is normal rather than a sign of lack of confidence. If you need to learn new skills then do that, and if it is just nerves learn how to relax.

Similarly – do you label yourself as lacking in confidence when you are really just doing something that goes against your nature? I hate being in crowds and used to think if I had more confidence then I would be OK, now I have more confidence I realize that not liking being in crowds is just part of who I am.

So what is confidence? I define it as knowing your best is enough, and believing you will be OK no matter what happens. If you truly believe your best is enough then it doesn’t matter what other people do or say, I mean what sort of person criticizes someone who is doing their best anyway? And to believe you will be OK no matter what is just to be realistic, your fears about what will happen if you mess up are unrealistic. People make huge mistakes and recover all the time.

So if having confidence is to believe your best is enough, then a lack of confidence is to believe your best isn’t good enough. The truth is whatever anybody does is the best they can do at that time, with their past experiences taken into consideration. It’s where the quotes

 ‘walk a mile in a man’s shoes before you judge him’  and

‘you did your best, and now you know better you will do better’ come from,

The problem is we get in the ‘lack of confidence habit’ and are so used to thinking our best isn’t good enough that we automatically react that way. This habit was formed as we grew up and believed what adults told us, even when they spoke out of anger and frustration. Their comments were tattooed in our minds lest we ever forget and cause that reaction again. Basic survival really – as a child our survival depended on keeping on the good side of the adults who took care of us, so we avoided upsetting them.

NLP has some wonderful techniques for removing the tattoo of criticisms we have collected, however the following can fade them too:

·               Watching what messages we tell ourselves. Someone worked out (how?) that we have about 66,000 thoughts a day go through our minds. Now obviously we can’t consciously notice all of them, most are like background music setting the tone of a lack of confidence. By bringing them into our conscious mind we can challenge them so they lose their grip, and one way to do that is to write your thoughts down. Whenever you think of doing something that you lack confidence in ask yourself why and notice the answers, they will be something like ‘I always fail’ ‘people will laugh at me’ ‘I will look a fool’ ‘they will notice me shaking’ etc. These are rarely based on fact so challenge them – when have I succeeded? How do you know people are going to laugh at me, or judge me? Most people are actually feeling the same as you anyway! (and remember – if someone does criticize you then that is a cover-up for their own lack of confidence – not fact! There are ways to give people feedback that is not damaging)

·               Positive messages. By telling yourself negative messages you actually weaken yourself and make it more likely you will stumble, whereas positive messages will help relax you and make it more likely it will go well. Think of some positive messages you can tell yourself when you need a boost, or imagine someone with you telling you positive messages.

·               Relax. The more stressed you get about doing something, the harder you make it for you to do it well. So if you are already nervous adding stress by telling yourself you will fail only makes it worse. They are your thoughts and you can stop them, and learn some relaxation techniques too.

·               Anchoring is another great way of helping you feel more confident, and again that will become a habit over time. (see article on anchoring).

Instead of allowing your habit to continue, be more conscious of it and work at changing it, and soon you will have a confidence habit instead!

 (If you do get stuck, or need help with something a bit deeper engrained, then please contact me to book an appointment – I have trained in how to help you be more confident so it’s like seeing a specialist for a medical problem!)